Fear of Failure.

Hey peeps. Long time no talk to! I don’t really have a good excuse reason for not visiting in such a long time. But let’s not dwell on the past. Let’s get to the meat and potatoes (sweet potatoes, of course; don’t you know all CF’rs don’t eat regular potatoes… totally kidding, FYI, I love a good baked potato) of this post. Beware: lots of words, no pictures. Next post will have pictures. Pinky promise.

I’m coming to the realization that I’m feeding into my fear of failing of things rather than facing them and telling them to back the eff off. I’ll make a list, because lists are easy.

1. Marathons. Its the race that screams I’m a hardcore runner and I hate sleeping in on Saturdays because I’d rather wake up at 6 AM and run 14-20 miles. Get over it. Totally badass. I’ve been running for almost a decade (holy crap, I’m old!) and I have yet to run a marathon. I know this does not make me not a runner (did a confuse you there? good.) but I signed up for a marathon last year with all intentions of doing it. Then I backed off. And I haven’t signed up for another one yet. I have this fear that I won’t be able to make it through training. Again. And that I won’t be able to finish a marathon at all. So here’s my solution: I will sign up for a marathon and actually follow through. Even if I have to walk/run through the damn thing, I’ll have done it, and that’s something no one can take away from me.

2. Running. I know that marathons are running. Duh. But I need to make a category of running because its so close to my heart (and legs) that it deserves its own paragraph. I want to be a faster runner. A stronger runner. A better runner. A more well-rounded runner. I’ve looked up countless programs to get faster but I’ve never followed through with actually doing the programming. I make up excuses like, “I don’t live near a track,” because, well, I don’t. The nearest track is about 8 miles from me… But that shouldn’t stop me from running repeats. I do have a GPS watch after all and spoiler alert: its purpose is to measure distance and time… Another cool feature that Garmin offers? That I can log onto myGarmin account and actually program workouts! I can program the speeds that I want to hit over certain distances and if I’m not doing what I told it to tell me to do, it will make it angry and yell beep at me until I do what it wants me to. Very handy. That’s not the only problem I have though. I also take issue with myself that I’ll get tired and just give up and not push to make those repeat times or not push and keep time for that tempo run. Its very discouraging. So I choose to stay complacent. I have this fear that I will not follow through with any sort of speed programming and that I will give up on myself when I get tired. So here’s my solution: I will follow a good program I found and try to stick with it. This is a program I found that will also coincide with marathon training. And if I skip a repeat or tempo run once in a while, I won’t be too hard on myself.

3. CrossFit. Complete opposite spectrum of running. Kind of. But I don’t challenge myself enough in CF, I feel. I have watched amazing women do amazing things both in the box and in the CrossFit Games. Its all very inspirational. I stick with weights I’m comfortable with. I skip days when there are movements involved that I’m not good at because I don’t want to show everyone how badly I suck. I have this fear that if I challenge myself I’ll take way too long or even worse, I’ll get a DNF (did not finish) on the board. So here’s my solution: I will challenge myself and go up 5-10 pounds more than I’m comfortable with. It’s the only way I’ll get better and stronger. I’ll show up on days when movements I’m not totally comfortable with are involved (in low doses at first, until I become more familiar/comfortable). And I will keep pushing forward and doing on rep at a time until my workout is done. So what if I’m last at 10 minutes the person before me. At least I did it.

4. Eating healthy(er). I try to eat fairly healthy. Not necessarily Paleo, but definitely better than the “average American” (whatever that means). I know this is such a broad subject, “what does healthier mean, anyway?” Its all subjective. But there are days when I say, “Mandi, see that bowl of candy? You cannot have any of it!” Then 10 minutes later I’m laying on the sofa with melted chocolate on my face in a sugar induced coma and my husband is calling a rehab facility. And that shirt I was wearing? Well, it wasn’t supposed to be a belly shirt… I have this fear that after I make these “eating healthy” promises to myself, that my self-indulgence will take over and I will fail. So here’s my solution: I will have a piece (or two) of that candy sitting in that dish. But I will not tell myself I cannot have any. I will keep in mind that when I don’t eat it I truly do feel better about myself.

5. Blogging. If you’ve stuck around long enough (I’m sorry?) then you know that I go on “blogging binges.” Kind of like my candy binges, but not really. I will be consistent in blogging for about 2 weeks before I just fall off the face of the Earth and you don’t hear from me for another 2 weeks or so. Then, because I don’t blog for so long, I think of all these great mediocre posts to write but don’t get any of them out. And truth be told, other than my husband and another friend of mine (who I had no idea read this until a month or so ago), no one I know knows I have this blog. I don’t tell them about it. And I don’t think I’m a very good writer… I have this fear that people who read what I write (especially people I know) will not like it and that the posts that I do make are a waste of my time. So here’s my solution: blog when I can about what I can when I can and keep in mind that not every post has to be a 5 page essay.

I know these sound a lot like resolutions but they’re not. They’re goals. There’s not a particular time I plan to start all this (except blogging should begin immediately). One thing at a time so that I don’t get overwhelmed (another thing I’m famous with myself for) and just give up everything entirely.

Do you have a fear of failing things?
What’s your biggest fear (even outside of the healthy living/blogging sphere)?
What’s your goal for the remainder of 2013?
(Can you believe we’re half way through 2013?!)

4 thoughts on “Fear of Failure.

  1. I TOTALLY get this. Both with fear of marathon training and with the speed thing. It’s those “virgin miles” beyond a half. For my first marathon I literally was gut-wrenching naseaus EVERY week before my long run. Which is silly, if you can do 13 – you can do 14, then 15, then 18, etc.! It’s intimidating though! As for speed – yes, yes yes! I am an excuse maker on that big time. I feel like, well I’m out running and they say the more you run the faster you get – to an extent anyway. The last few days I have been running with some older men I know who are way faster… and I kept up, relatively easily too. It’s in me, I just have to suck it up and be able to push myself on my own. Speed work feels totally mental! Also, I’m glad to see you’ve kept up with CrossFit! I’ve been away from blogging as well, so that’s great that six months after you started you’re still at it!

  2. Pingback: Alliterations. | Miles and Mascara

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